What is discussion all about?

I find intriguing, and to some degree disappointing, that so many people I know have such a hard time understanding what is a discussion about. The confrontation of ideas is more often than not perceived as a personal attack, directed at one's personal belief. People tend to misunderstand the meaning of Ad Hominen attacks, while their ideas are being confronted, in the two possible ways: they either think the confrontation is personal, or they use the ad hominen subterfuge to gain leverage in the discussion. This usually only leads to frustration (which leads to the dark side).

In this sense, I found this TEDTalk enlightening. Philosopher Daniel Cohen, explains what exactly is the kind of argument I'm ranting about, the conceptual metaphor called "Argument as War" (more on this here). In this metaphor, the debate is perceived as a combat between points of view (represented, of course, by the debaters).

To win the debate, is to reduce the opponent to either agreeing with your point of view, or making him/her doubt himself/herself enough to give up arguing against you. The alternative, of course, is losing the debate, in which case you are forced either to change your point of view, or agree that your argumentation is just not good enough to keep discussing.

The most valid point he makes is: what do we gain, cognitively, by winning? Nothing. Except, of course, for a short ego massage. The person that actually gains something is the one that loses the argument, in the sense that he/she learns enough of the subject to change his/her mind.

My only addition to this interpretation is that we also learn things about the subject during the debate, no matter what the outcome. Whenever we confront our ideas, perspectives and points of view with another's, we have the chance of learning whatever facts or impressions they have on the subject that led to their different conclusion.

I like to think I always learn something in a good discussion, no matter if someone wins, or it ties. This is what drives me, and why I love a good debate.